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The Ultimate Prize by Nick Michael
01/12/2006 . Source: Joules Taylor 
pub: Lulu. 83 page enlarged paperback. Price: $11.99 (US). Buy The Ultimate Prize in the USA - or Buy The Ultimate Prize in the UK  check out website: www.lulu.com
Schrodinger is very, very rich. So rich they've had to invent a new term for him, 'googolionaire' - a number one followed by a hundred zeros. He's also close to death. Schrodinger is a priant quadril. A member of an alien race comprising four genders and needs to mate with a quadrant quadril in order to survive. Quadrants are very rare (most of them were killed off by an untreatable disease) but Schrodinger has discovered the whereabouts of Malina, a quadrant interior decorator, and goes all out to capture her.
Although it's not unknown for quadrants to allow 'mercy matings' to save priant lives, Schrodinger is known to be wholly evil, a being who kills inefficient employees - indeed, anyone who gets in his way - and has them dissolved in acid to hide the evidence. Malina, however, is perfectly happy with her three quadril lovers and is on the run, trying to stay out of Schrodinger's clutches just long enough for him to die.
It's an interesting idea. The blurb on the back cover describes 'The Ultimate Prize' as a 'comic Science Fiction thriller' and the author as 'best known for inventing the world's first curry-powered car. Regrettably, its proneness to backfire and huge greed for poppadoms has led him to financial ruin' which gives the impression that the book might indeed be a comedy...or at least amusing.
Unfortunately it isn't, unless you find the idea of multiple murder and rape amusing, which I don't personally and that's just the first thing that's wrong with the book...
The writing is competent and I'd say the manuscript has been proof-read, but there's little else positive I can say it. The 'good' characters are as two-dimensional as cardboard cut-outs, though less easily distinguishable one from another and lack any emotional depth. Schrodinger has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Oh hang on, yes he does. He likes cats and makes anonymous donations to cat charities. Predictably, he has a cat himself: its Kidnap By Moist - it's a nickname, Director of the Institute of Really Clever Stuff, hastens his death. Any time any of the characters hits an obstacle, the solution is simply pulled out of the air with no attempt to set up precedents. There are oddly detailed explanations of how some, but not all, of the tech works, which impede what story flow there is.
But for me, worst of all is the dialogue. This should give insights into the people speaking. It should advance the plot. It should intrigue. It should sparkle. It should not be irritatingly inconsequential:
The foursome sat in the shade of a parasol, sipping their drinks.
You know, it's safest for us to keep moving,' Malina said. 'I suggest we leave the day after tomorrow.'
'Yes,' agreed Jesta. The others nodded.
The starters arrived. They tucked into intricately carved melons, prawn cocktails and a local delicacy, sea fruit fish, with its characteristic mango-flavoured meat.
'What shall we do after lunch?' wondered Malina.
'How about going back to the apartment for a siesta? Then we could go out night clubbing tonight,' suggested Jesta.
....
They proceeded to work their way through the main course.
'Wow, you must try some of this stuffed river salamander,' said Rand.
Portions were distributed.
'Yes, that's good. I should ask how they've prepared it,' commented Jesta.
'It looks like it's been grilled to me,' said Malina.
The table cleared itself. They punched a keypad to order ultra-coffees.
'Anyone want a dessert?' asked frig.
'I'd love to but I'm full.'
'Me too.'
'No thanks.'
pages 14-15 - a bizarre interlude while the quadrils are being relentlessly hunted across the galaxy by Schrodinger. I got terribly tired of reading about what everyone had to eat. There are dining descriptions all the way through the book, dropped in for no readily apparent reason.
'The Ultimate Prize' has been self-published. I assume it's a first novel. It desperately needs a beta-reader and the author even more desperately needs to practise writing dialogue. The pace is uneven and while the basic plot has merit, the way it's been handled is neither interesting nor exciting. Regretfully, I found the book utterly pointless. Even the denouement (I assume it was supposed to be a denouement) left a 'so what?' taste in the mind...
There's an inkling of potential, but it needs work. A LOT of work.
Joules Taylor
www.wavewrights.com
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